First, I'm only now writing about events that took place a few years ago, so please cut me some slack if my memory is rather rusty. I may easily get some events wrong, or forget others altogether. Which is why I wanted to write these down now, before total amnesia--never mind chronic senility!--sets in.

I aim, subject to the limitations already noted, to set down events in chronological order, but it's inevitable they may need to be re-ordered in due course. Please bear with me. Once I get this up to date, my posts will then become less frequent as I'll be recording events in real time.

I've not attended Jehovah's Witness (JW) meetings at the Kingdom Hall now for a few years and can honestly say I am a happier, healthier, more balanced and compassionate person as a result. I have not disassociated myself and have never been disfellowshipped. Having said that, I'm now what the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society (WT)--the headquarters organisation of JWs--would brand as an 'apostate' (someone who has left their religion), if only they knew my true feelings. (In a later post, perhaps once I'm up to date and have nothing else to write about, I'll explain why WT's definition of 'apostasy' is very different from the Scriptural definition.)

So I'm very keen that neither WT, nor any individual JW, finds out my true feelings about their destructive cult that masquerades as a religion. I am forced to write anonymously otherwise I would certainly be disfellowshipped. That is WT jargon for excommunication. However, as some of my family remain JWs, that would require them to start shunning me and I still hope to be able to help them escape from the cult.

Like all cults, WT has many murky secrets they're desperate that active JWs never learn. So when they excommunicate a member, they require all remaining JWs--including immediate family and close friends--to totally shun the disfellowshipped person, under pain of being disfellowshipped themselves. With a dual strategy of (1) demonising 'apostates' at every opportunity and (2) shunning disfellowshipped members, WT hopes they can keep the remaining JWs in the dark about the true nature of their 'religion.' Of course, since the explosion of internet use in recent years, this is becoming difficult to achieve as the more thoughtful JWs are intrigued by WT's rantings about the dangers of the internet and start to explore it for themselves.

A word of warning! I will try to recount the events I describe as accurately as possible. However, if I was too accurate, I would betray my identity to the WT snoops who trawl the internet to find and disfellowship all apostates. So where I say something about my personal circumstances (family, home, work, congregation, etc.) that might identify me, they should be taken with 'a pinch of salt'!! I may even from time to time deliberately drop in little items intended to mislead anyone trying to harvest clues about my identity. (As any loyal JW reading this would be obliged to do.)

To understand how I got into this position, it's easier if I explain a little of my history. I was raised a JW by parents who were themselves raised as JWs. I was a classic good little JW: after leaving school I became a full-time WT book seller (a 'regular pioneer') then went to Bethel (what WT call their headquarters in each country). Then I met a lovely JW girl, got married, had a family, and in time became an elder. I had numerous positions of trust and responsibility within the WT organsiation, at congregation, circuit, district and branch level. I remain in close touch with my Bethel friends.

Finally, am I bitter about my life as a JW? Now, no. Though to be honest, I have gone through a period of feeling very angry and bitter. Deservedly so, too. The JW religion is a destructuve cult. They lie to and deceive both JWs and non-JWs alike. They have admitted their blood transfusion policies have caused the deaths of thousands of their members. They cause the break up of families, leading to divorce and the harm of children. By requiring JWs to "put [God's] Kingdom interests first," (i.e. spend every spare moment working for the WT organisation), they have stolen the lives of tens, if not hundreds, of thousands of JWs who have sacrificed often lucrative careers to work full-time and unpaid for the WT organisation. They teach doctrines they know are untrue, because they fear admitting otherwise would cause massive loss of prestige, members and, ultimately, revenues. They assume for themselves the right to interfere in every aspect of their members' lives, from whether or not they're allowed to wear beards to which acts are or are not allowed in the marital bed. So, yes, I've been bitter.

But anger and bitterness never did anyone any good. Part of the recovery and healing process from cults is coming to terms with your past and learning to let go of all the bad feelings, and perhaps even to recognise there might even have been one or two positive aspects than can be taken from your experiences.

But that doesn't mean burying your past. Another part of the healing process is helping others to exit from cults. I sincerely hope that my experiences may be read by a questioning JW and help them to start retracing their own path along that 'yellow brick road.'

During my journey out of the Jehovah's Witness (JW) religion, I read a posting from a guy called Roy (royboyxx@yahoo.com), writing in ex_jehovahs_witness_support@yahoogroups.com. This is part of the final chapter of a book he was writing, which struck a very resonant chord in me at the time:

"I used to feel much like Dorothy, as she walked down the yellow brick road, seeking the Wizard of Oz. I thought that the Wizard held all the answers for me to find my way home. I thought that a handful of men, called the Governing Body, were that Wizard and they would help me reach my destiny. The flashing lights that came from behind the curtain mesmerized me. I was fearful of speaking back to the authoritative voice that seemed to come from God. How disappointed Dorothy must have felt when the curtain was pulled back to expose a little old man with his hands on a control panel. This may well express my disappointment when I realized that the Governing Body was no better than the Wizard of Oz.

"Dorothy and her friends still needed to find a way home and it seemed their last hope was gone. Killing the wicked witch would be their ticket home, said the Wizard. But even accomplishing this task was not enough to get them home. Disappointed again, Dorothy was at a dead end with nowhere else to go. How was Dorothy going to get home?

"A guardian angel suddenly appears before Dorothy and explains to her that she didn't have to do all the things she thought she had to do. It was always within Dorothy's power to go home. All she had to do was click her heels three times and say, "There's no place like home. There's no place like home."

"It had always been within me to see that the Watchtower was not the Wizard. It was always within me to see that my relationship with God was never about me having a relationship with the Watchtower Organization. Just as Dorothy and her friends were too afraid to pull back the curtain, I was also too afraid to pull back the curtain to expose what I had many times in the past suspected. Dorothy's little dog, Toto, did what they were too afraid to do. I believe that God had pulled back that curtain for me many times, but I was not ready to look at what He was showing me. Unlike Dorothy's friends, my family and friends elected to keep their eyes shut or possibly due to their spiritual myopia were not able to see as far as I see now. In any case, they were not ready as I was to look at the truth when the Wizard was exposed to them. It had become clear to me that it was not the spirit of the Watchtower and their Wizards that gave me a good relationship with God, It was the spirit of Christ. It was also becoming clear to me that the spirit of Christ was not active in my family and friend's lives. It was the spirit of the Watchtower."